Imagine an intense erotic scene involving a woman and a man starring in your favorite TV show or movie. Chances are they would both reach orgasm.
But this does not reflect reality.
Because during heterosexual sexual encounters, women have far fewer orgasms than men.
This is called the orgasm gap. And it has been documented in the scientific literature for more than 20 years.
In a study of more than 50,000 people, 95% of heterosexual men said they usually or always have an orgasm when they have intimate sex, while only 65% of heterosexual women said the same.
Research shows that some people believe this gap is because women’s orgasms are biologically elusive.
However, if this were true, women’s orgasm rates would not vary according to circumstances.
In fact, many studies show that women have more orgasms when alone than with a partner.
At least 92% of women have an orgasm when they pleasure themselves.
Women also have more orgasms when having sex with a partner compared to casual sex.
In a study of more than 12,000 college students, only 10% of women said they had an orgasm during the first encounter, while 68% said they had an orgasm during sex that occurs in a committed relationship.
Women also have more orgasms when having sex with other women.
In one study, 64% of bisexual women said they usually or always have an orgasm when sexually intimate with other women.
Why is this happening?
In all of these scenarios where women climax more, there is a greater focus on clitoral stimulation.
Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, which makes sense given that the clitoris and penis originate from the same type of tissue.
And both the clitoris and the penis are replete with touch-sensitive nerve endings and erectile tissue.
In my work, I have asked thousands of women, “What is your most reliable route to orgasm?” Only 4% say penetration. The other 96% say clitoral stimulation, alone or combined with penetration.
The main reason for the orgasm gap, then, is that women aren’t getting the clitoral stimulation they need.
And cultural messages about the supremacy of sexual intercourse fuel this. In fact, countless movies, TV shows, books, and plays portray women reaching orgasm with intercourse alone.
Popular men’s magazines also give advice on sexual positions to bring women to orgasm. And although some of the positions include clitoral stimulation, the message remains that intercourse is the central and most important sexual act.
The language used in these articles, and in the culture in general, reflects and perpetuates this overvaluation of sexual relations.
We use the words “sex” and “intercourse” as if they were the same thing. We relegate clitoral stimulation that comes before intercourse as “foreplay,” implying that it is a lesser form of sex.
Multiple studies have shown that such messages give the idea that sex should proceed as follows: foreplay (just to prepare the woman for intercourse), intercourse, male orgasm, and finished sex.
In this version of sex, the man’s job is to “give” the woman an orgasm by lasting a long time and thrusting hard.
Not surprisingly, research finds that men feel more masculine when their partner orgasms during intercourse.
And it’s not surprising that women fake orgasms, primarily during intercourse, to protect their partner’s ego.
In fact, studies suggest that between 53% and 85% of women admit to faking an orgasm. Some research indicates that most women have faked it at least once in their lives.
Closing the gap
However, there is hope, because given that cultural factors are responsible for the orgasm gap, changing the way we view sex and sexual intercourse will help improve women’s sexual experiences.
In fact, it is important to educate people about the fact that women do not have a limited biological capacity for orgasm.
Similarly, education for men and women about the clitoris could be a game changer.
Still, such knowledge alone is unlikely to close the orgasm gap on a personal level.
According to one chapter in a sex therapy textbook, women need skills to put this knowledge into practice.
This means that women should be encouraged to masturbate to learn what they want sexually.
And this must be accompanied by communication training so they can share this information with a partner.
Women need to feel entitled to pleasure and empowered to get the same kind of stimulation alone as with a partner.
This means that heterosexual couples should get rid of the old script that requires foreplay followed by intercourse, after which sex ends.
Instead, they can take turns having orgasms using oral sex or manual stimulation where she has an orgasm followed by intercourse. Alternatively, women can touch themselves with their hands or a vibrator during intercourse.
Research shows that women who use vibrators have more orgasms. And because many women worry about how they look during sex or whether they are pleasing their partner, research shows that mindfulness can also help.
But equal orgasms are about much more than quality sex. Several women have told me that once they felt empowered in the bedroom, they were more confident in the rest of their lives.
Importantly, according to one study, feeling entitled to pleasure increases a woman’s ability to tell her partners what she wants sexually and her ability to protect herself sexually.
In fact, the study found that feeling entitled to sexual pleasure increased women’s confidence both to refuse to engage in sexual acts they were uncomfortable with and to use protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.
According to another article on sex education and pleasure written by two U.S. health researchers, when young people learn that sex should be pleasurable, they are less likely to use it in manipulative and harmful ways.
Therefore, teaching that sex is about pleasure for both partners, rather than something done to women for the pleasure of men, could also help decrease levels of sexual violence.
Clearly, teaching about women’s pleasure will do more than increase orgasm rates.